Nature vs. Nurture

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So the time finally came, sooner than I thought it would, that my mom was displeased with my relationship with my bio mom. I mean, I haven’t even (re)met the woman yet, so I don’t even know if it can be called a relationship, but let’s just go with that.

Last week I talked to bio mom on the phone for almost two hours, and in the course of that conversation she said some things that led me to believe that she never wanted to give me up, and may have been forced to do so. I have a few theories on the “forcing”, some involving my bio dad and some involving my bio maternal grandmother. Either way, bio mom said she would tell me my whole story in person. She has a lot of things to tell me in person.

Also we talked about her telling her other kids and some other family members that I have found her, which will be happening at their Mother’s Day celebration. I had asked her in an email a couple of weeks ago when and if she wanted to meet soon, and she never answered that question. I believe she has been waiting for the right time to tell her family that I am “back”, and give them time to digest this information, and then we will go forward from there.

Anyway, I told my mom my thought about bio mom not wanting/being forced to give me up. I told her that I felt bad, thinking about how she was missing me and wanting me and waiting for me all these years. I said this not because I regret not finding her earlier, but because I have two children of my own and I am a very empathetic person. If I was forced to give up JI or Squeaks, I don’t know if I could make it without knowing I would one day see them again. It is too difficult to even think about. Well, my mom was none too happy with my feelings, and made it very clear. She said that my bio mom shouldn’t be putting these feelings onto me (she’s not), it’s not my responsibility to feel this way because I was a baby and had no say in the matter, and a few choice words about my bio mom’s life choices after she gave me up (which neither myself nor my mom truly know for a fact, but I have a couple of theories about my one brother and his father and whether or not we are full blood instead of half siblings). She also took the opportunity to bring up something from the past, which was completely inappropriate and not related to the conversation. Instead of arguing, however, I simply said “Don’t worry, okay, you are my mom.”

I have been trying to keep my mom in the loop this entire time, because as I mentioned before, she is terrified of me “leaving her” for my bio mom. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to shut the communication lines down to a trickle for a while, at least until I figure out what my real back story is and what really happened and so forth. I don’t want my relationship with either one of them to be affected by negativity, or anything really, coming from the other one. I don’t even really like talking about my mom to my bio mom, because for some reason I feel like a traitor to my mom. It is very strange. I’m in a strange place with this situation right now.

So, after this weekend, we will see where things go. More updates will happen, fear not!

In the meantime, bio mom texts me nearly every day. I send her pictures of the boys, she sends me pictures of my siblings. Today she sent a collage of photos they’d had done with the three kids, and wow – I always wanted someone who looked like me, and now I have them! It is really super awesome to see my expressions on someone else’s face. I mean, I get that with JI and Squeaks sometimes, but it is just different when it is my brothers or sister. It is just so amazing! I’m excited and nervous about what my brothers will think about my return. My sister already knows, and seems pretty interested in getting to know me. I have not talked to her, or any of my aunts/uncle (bio mom has three sisters and a brother!), or anyone in the family other than bio mom. I’m quite intrigued thinking about getting to know them, just based off of what bio mom has said about everyone. They really sound like my kind of people. ❤

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4 thoughts on “Nature vs. Nurture

  1. Amanda

    Definatly take one step at a time. U are hearing a one sided conversation and can wrap you up in a thought. I think the experience is great but in person may not be who they are in person. Mom is mom bio mom had a decision that she made that she will love with for a life time. Her story is hers to tell but do not take it all in as face value..

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  2. I read something the other day, it was this- if mothers are capable of loving more that one child then why is it that adoptees aren’t able (or allowed) to love more than one mother?
    We can, and we do.
    The responsibility isn’t for you to ‘protect’ your mom from pain. I get it, I understand. I love my mom and I don’t want to hurt her either, but the relationship with our bio families-not to be cruel- has nothing to do with them.

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