Part II

After Poke died, things were rough. I had to change my work schedule because I could no longer work weekends. I lost hours and income, as well as no longer receiving the child support I had fought so hard to get. Squishy’s job was going downhill fast, and he wasn’t going to get hired on. We were running on empty, financially and emotionally.

In late August, Squishy started a new job, hired on immediately, and he loved it. In fact he is still there to this day! Warehouse work isn’t for everyone, but he is really good at what he does.

By December I was incredibly pregnant, and Little Hippie was born just before Christmas. Squishy and I had some relationship issues around the same time, and made some much needed changes.

Found out at the beginning of summer that Squeaks has a milk allergy. It’s been very eye opening as far as products that contain milk but you wouldn’t think they do. Poor kid had to completely change his diet.

Finally, Squishy and I broke up. It was sudden, but not, because he’s been miserable for awhile. The changes we made helped, but couldn’t make it right. My heart is shattered, but I have no choice.


Eighteen Months Later

As of my last post, things were somewhat in limbo. My, how times have changed since then!

In late April 2017, Squishy and I got our own house. Renting, not buying, but at a great price in a nice neighborhood. A week after we moved in, I found out I was pregnant. It was a surprise, but not because we had an oops! We started trying to get pregnant at the beginning of April and apparently we were really, ie immediately, successful. It was awesome.

At the end of May, Squishy’s son came to live with us. We had specifically chosen this house to accommodate 3-4 kids plus ourselves, and it was a good arrangement. My kids went to daycare while I worked, and KS stayed home playing video games and doing whatever preteens do all day. Unfortunately the Brady Bunch dynamic wasn’t happening for us. I had higher expectations for KS than he was used to, as far as tidiness and courtesy. KS hated living with two little kids and having to “answer” to someone who was not his “real parent”. He’d had similar problems with his mom and stepdad, which is why he came to live with us in the first place.

Within a month, KS had been back to visit his mom and decided he wanted to go back and live with her. Squishy and his ex told him he would stay here for the summer and move back before school started. This would be his final move until age 18, as he had already moved back and forth between them three times. Everyone had had enough. In late August he went home to his mom’s.

As you may recall, Poke and I finally divorced in January of 2017. He was ordered to pay child support, and I spent all of February, March, and April fighting with him and his employer. It got to the point where CSEA was going to take both of them to court, and Poke was facing jail time. That was the final threat, and they began complying.

In June, Poke married some girl who lived in South Carolina. She was the ex of an acquaintance, and Poke and I once witnessed her bashing in the windows of our neighbor’s car at 2am. I guess absolutely insane was what he wanted in a wife. Anyway, I was glad that he was someone else’s responsibility now, and I hoped she’d somehow get him on the right path.

In July, JI turned six. As we were sitting at the Chinese buffet, just the two of us, I got a call from Poke’s brother. He informed me that Poke was in the ICU. Squishy came and got JI, and I ran over to the hospital. Poke was in a coma.

He had been drinking for nearly 18 hours with his ex girlfriend. They went to McDonald’s early in the morning, went back to her house, and fell asleep. At some point she noticed that he wasn’t breathing. The EMTs came, and it took 20 minutes to revive him. By the time I got there, he was on life support, completely, with all sources set to the max. He would not recover. Unfortunately Poke’s brother, mother, and I could not make the decision to remove him from life support; because he was married, we had to wait for a complete stranger to come from South Carolina and make the decision.

Poke coded three times during the night, and died just before 7am on the day after JI’s birthday.

I told JI what happened. He wanted to go see his dad, so I took him to the hospital. JI stroked his hair and touched his arm. The wife had arrived after 8am, and was there with her mother. They left us alone with Poke, and we cried. We cried like people in the movies, and I pounded on Poke’s chest. I was so angry for so many reasons. Angry that he’d not taken care of himself, that he’d left me alone with the boys, that he’d made such terrible decisions. Angry over petty things, like no more child support or health insurance for the kids. Angry that he’d broken his mother’s heart.

Over the next week, my angers retreated for rage. His friends were rallying on Facebook, and Poke became a saint. Everyone was “so shocked” by his death. At the service, folks got up and talked about what a “punch to the gut” it was to hear that he’d died. I wanted to punch them all in their faces. Where the fuck were they when Poke was losing his mind, attempting suicide three times in two months, twice in front of JI? Where were they when he tried a fourth time and his mother and brother had to call the cops to physically restrain him due to violent outbursts after drinking two bottles of whiskey, an assortment of other alcohol, and taking different pills he found? Where were all these people who allegedly loved him so much? Nowhere. They knew nothing of the real Poke. It made me sick to hear them prattle on while those of us who dealt with his demons on a daily basis were the ones who hurt the most.

…to be continued.

Another One Bites the Dust

Well, the man I was seeing, the one from Michigan, is no longer. Things just couldn’t work out. He bailed twice on coming to visit me, with possibly legitimate reasons, but that wasn’t the reason I ended it. I just could not continue the long distance thing. I am so beyond stressed right now, to the point where it is making me physically ill, and the last thing I need is to be worrying about someone I’ve never met. I need to take care of myself and the boys.

He was a very nice man, and perhaps if we’d met in person there would have been a better chance. I just don’t have the emotional and mental strength to continue putting energy and effort into something I cannot see, touch, feel, etc. I tried to explain this to him, because he had told me he loved me, but he didn’t understand. No, instead he accused me of getting back with Poke and/or my “fuck buddy”. I didn’t want to hurt him, because I had hoped that we could have a future, but when he said that I realized something: His major insecurities would have ruined the relationship eventually, and I would have found myself in a relationship with someone just like Poke. That’s the last thing I want, especially now. I don’t ever want to be with someone who blames me for everything, who constantly questions my lifestyle or choices, someone who demands that I prop them up while they pull me down. It will not happen again.

Hashtag Adulting

fb_img_1476060371307Remember being little and thinking, “Gee, I cannot wait to be an adult!”? Well I wish I could go back to my younger self and say “Slow down! Enjoy every moment of this!” because I, for one, hate being an adult.

img_20161011_172529I got a letter on September 14th stating that in 60-90 days, our home would be taken from Poke’s name to the bank’s name, and “sometime after that”, it would go from the bank to HUD, and then there would be a sheriff’s auction. This past Monday, October 10th, I got no less than five advertisements from companies trying to “save the house” saying that the sheriff sale is on November 18th. What?! So I looked it up online, called the sheriff, and it’s true. Apparently they completely skipped all the steps in between, because it hasn’t been 60-90 days and the title is still in Poke’s name. I’m very confused.

20160920_092238However, though I am confused, I don’t care. It is time to gtfo of this house. This was supposed to be our forever home, or our until the kids outgrow it home, and now that we’re not a family anymore, it feels like a farce. Things are breaking and I don’t want to fix them, partially because I am still kind of resentful about what Poke did to us. This is his house, these are his children, I am his wife, yet he abandoned all of us to drink, do drugs, bang all kinds of random chicks, and so forth. All that while I held shit together here, keeping the children alive and keeping things running smoothly. Well, I’m done trying to keep up with a life that was meant for four, and I’m ready to move on to a life meant for three, just me and the boys.

528876_10151052090649801_1912186749_nWe are going to move in with my best friend, Flower, who has a pretty big house, and no children or husband or anyone else living with her. When I moved out of my parents’ house a couple weeks after graduating high school, I moved in with her. It’s almost like I’ve come full circle. I’m very excited to live with my bff, because she is the only person in my whole life, including my parents, that I could live with peacefully without issues. We have very similar quirks, and it works out. Granted, I have children now, but they’ll learn quickly how to live with their Aunt Flower. They tolerate living here well enough! The good thing about moving in with Flower is that we’ll actually be closer to my parents by about five miles, and I don’t have to completely relocate to a new city or state.

20160926_220340I have been seeing a man who lives in Michigan (I know, I know, bad OSU fan! But he’s not from there, he just lives there). We met online, of course, and we have been together for just over a month, officially. He has two kids, he has a good job, and he is very sweet and loving. This is not my first long distance relationship, but it is my closest, as he is only four hours away. Unfortunately, it has been hard for us to meet because of our conflicting schedules, car troubles, etc. Hopefully we can meet very soon, because if he is as good in person as he is on the phone, online, and so on, then I might have found someone I can actually be with long term. Overall, I am content with how my life is going these days. I have not been content in awhile, and it makes me happy.

Deposit to the Karma Bank

wpid-collage_20151018193431029.jpgWhen I am feeling poorly, emotionally and spiritually, I will generally head back to church. Unfortunately, Catholicism and small children, especially wild maniacs like JI, do not mix. So, because I have a teeny tiny bit of disposable income, I decided to make up these packs for the homeless/needy. I have been trying to help as many people as I can lately, and so far I have bought groceries for a neighbor, bought JI the special foods he wants (instead of constantly having to say “no”), and have donated a bunch of stuff to the food pantry and women’s shelter. I feel that every good deed I do is a deposit to the Karma Bank, and will help me feel better because I see other people feeling better.

To make a homeless pack is very easy; collect non perishable food, drinks, toiletries, and anything else you can think a person might need (tampons/pads for women, 1-2 diapers, a $5 gift card to fast food, etc.). I put in 2 napkins, a spoon, pop, cereal, a juice box, crackers, floss, shampoo/conditioner, a fruit cup, bottled water, and a drink mix packet. Everything went into a gallon sized zippered freezer bag (they are stronger than regular storage bags), and wrote a sentiment on the label – “You matter to someone. Have a good day! :)”


I loaded all the bags, eight total, into a large tote to keep in the car so that whenever I see someone on the ramp or the road, I can hand them a bag. I made them over the weekend, and handed out my first pack today. The man said “God bless you” without even looking at it… but hopefully, when he did, he was pleasantly surprised.

Bonus Mother’s Day Giveaway!

If you didn’t win A Small Village’s
“Everyday is Mother’s Day” giveaway, you are in luck!
Enter the “Forever Mother’s Day” giveaways!

Brieftons Spiralizer Giveaway A Small Village

The Everyday is Mother’s Day Gift Guide and Giveaways will continue to run through the end of May on A Small Village. There are 3 more bonus prizes which means 3 more winners!

The first bonus prize is a Briefton’s Next-Gen Spiralizer from 

May 11 – 25th

The second bonus prize is a set of Bobee’s Decorative Paper Lanterns from 

May 14 – 28

The third bonus prize is Artwork from Fulcrum Gallery from

May 17 – 31st

Spiral Soup Topping

Check out  A Small Village for a tasty soup topping made with the spiralizer.

On May 26th one winner will be chosen at random to win a Next-Gen Spiralizer.

The Giveaway is open to US Resident’s 18+ only. 

Don’t forget to enter the other two bonus giveaways!

Click HERE to join A Small Village Giveaway Group.

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Disclosure: Tales of a Play-Date Dropout is not responsible for prize fulfillment or shipping. A Small Village is hosting this giveaway, contact with any questions. This giveaway is not associated with any social media networks.