Every mother’s dream and nightmare.

I’ve known my whole life that I was adopted. I don’t ever remember a time when I didn’t know, but I don’t remember having a talk with my parents about it. I just always knew.

Earlier this year, the state of Ohio opened all the adoption cases from 1964-present, which formerly had been closed and under a lot of red tape. It wasn’t impossible to get your original birth certificate, but it was very expensive, you had to have a lawyer, and it took a long time. Five weeks ago I mailed in my notorized forms and a check for $20.00 and that was that.

I got the copy of my original birth certificate in the mail yesterday, and opened it today when I got home. I’ve been crying ever since I laid my eyes on the line where my name is listed – Samantha Nicole. I never knew that my bio mom took the time to name me! My mom didn’t know either. The foster home I was in before my parents got me had called me LeeAnn, but I ended up being Kelly in the end. I think I am more overwhelmed by the fact that I had a name than I am by actually knowing her name. I guess I always figured that she knew she’d give me up, so she probably didn’t want to give me a name and risk becoming attached.

I have never really wanted to find my bio parents. I never had a desire to have a relationship with them. My mom always insisted that she was competing with my bio mom, but I repeatedly told her that she couldn’t because I had nothing on which to base any comparison. The only thing I did want was to see people who look like me. In 2013, however, I was diagnosed with high triglycerides and even after doing everything I could do to lower them (lose weight, quit smoking, quit drinking, give up all partially/fully hydrogenated oils, etc.), they were still incredibly high. My doctor said it was likely genetic, so since then I’ve been interested in finding out some medical history. That’s why I went ahead and requested my birth certificate, in case I needed to reach my bio family to get information if something happens to me medically.

Of course, being the tech-savvy person I am, I immediately looked up my bio mom on Facebook. There she was, looking like a skinny me, with three kids who look like me too. Well, I got what I wanted – I saw people who look like me. There was a photo of an older man, likely my bio grandfather, who looked just like me as well. Now I don’t know what to do, and here’s where the title of this post comes in:

Every bio mother’s dream is to reconnect with the child they gave up for adoption, to become a part of their life, to know their grandchildren and extended family, to introduce the child they never knew to family members who may wonder whatever happened to them.

Yet, every bio mother’s nightmare is to reconnect with the child they gave up for adoption, to become a part of their life, to know their grandchildren and extended family, to introduce the child they never knew to family members who may wonder whatever happened to them.

How can I reach out to this woman? How can I just drop her a line saying “Hey, it’s me, the baby”? What can I possibly say to this woman? I don’t even know. I really have no idea where I could possibly begin. I wish there was a template. I wish I could just say “Do you know a Samantha Nicole?” and have her figure it out.

I wish I could have a clue about how she will react. I kinda want to get it done before Mother’s Day, so maybe I could send her a card or something. I don’t want this to be a thing though. What if she wants nothing to do with me?

Update: I sent her a message tonight, Sunday night. All I can do it wait it out!

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