In the Thick of It

It’s been a long time since I posted, and I don’t even know exactly where to begin. The last I left you, I was concentrating on the Year of Me. Well, that has been nearly impossible to accomplish. Poke finally got a job, and now he refuses to take the boys on a regular basis. I have to haggle and negotiate with him every week. So yeah, he is giving me a little bit of child support, but he’s not seeing the kids. This continues to be a no-win situation for everyone except Poke. Typical.

I wish we could move forward with the divorce; unfortunately that is impossible right now thanks to the house having gone into foreclosure. Obviously my Go-Fund me didn’t work, Poke blew his 401k, and I don’t have $8k just lying around. For now we will just live for free until they force us out, but in the meantime we are going to try and file for bankruptcy to see if there is a way we can somehow save the house so that the boys and I don’t have to move and so I can keep my business. That means no divorce until after the bankruptcy is done.

As for the “doing things for myself”, I have been …meh…¬†with that. I slacked off on my diet really badly, but I am trying to adhere via a different route. Instead of completely cutting out all meats, I am cutting out red meat and pork, and sticking to chicken and seafood. A low-purine diet allows for some chicken/seafood, so it’s not even really “breaking the rules”. It’s kind of weird actually, I used to never crave chicken or seafood, and now I do! I have completely lost my taste for beef and pork, except Phillys… I love Phillys… But I digress. Because I’ve been trying to stick to a mostly vegetarian diet, I have gotten back to more creative cooking. I juiced once. It was gross. I’m going to try again now that the weather is warmer and there is more fresh quality produce available. I have done some spiralizing, and actually got rid of 90% of my pasta. I want to do a low-carb thing, just because eating a lot of carbs makes me feel gross, but it’s hard to do on a low-purine diet because I’m supposed to eat 6-11 servings per day. Apparently carbs absorb uric acid, which is one of the goals of this diet. Ugh.

I tried getting into dating, and I still really want to date… Unfortunately it seems that the quality of man just isn’t there anymore. I’ve talked to probably a hundred guys, and I’ve had ONE date. They want sex only. They’re not interested in a girl with kids. They send unwanted dick pics. If I refuse to meet them RIGHT NOW for “a date” (aka sex), they call me names. They plan a date with me, and then never show or I never hear from them after we make a plan. I was talking to a guy for a couple months and I thought it was going somewhere, then he stopped talking to me and I found out he chose someone else over me. I was talking to another guy, he came over and hung out one night, then ghosted. A few weeks later he got ahold of me, apologized, and came over again. When he was leaving, he said “I’ll see you later tonight” and I’ve never heard from him again. The only guy who is consistent is that Marine I told you guys about, JK. At least I know what to expect (or not) from him. Friends have told me to try Match, because I was meeting all the winners on Plenty of Fish, but I don’t know. I feel like paying to meet someone online is the lowest of the low, and I just don’t think I’ve reached that level of pathetic yet.

When I was thinking I might be dating more often, I went ahead and updated my wardrobe a bit. I haven’t lost any weight, but I’m not trying, so that’s fine. I am comfortable with my body for the first time in a long time, and I think it’s because I joined a BBW group on Facebook. There are dudes in there who are legitimately attracted to chicks like me, and that’s amazing. All my life I’ve been taught that no man will be into a fat girl, but I guess it’s not actually true.

So, like the title says, I feel like I am really in the thick of it right now. Some horrible shit is behind me, and there is more horrible shit to come. I cry nearly every day. I had actually gotten back to drinking nearly every night, at least 3-4 nights a week, but as of this Sunday I am stopping that and going back to only drinking on the weekend. As great as the sleep was after a bottle of wine, the sleeping pills accomplish almost the same greatness with zero calories or health risks. I have tried so hard to remove all the negative from my life, including a current sabbatical from Facebook. I had to take a break from all the bullshit. I’ll go back on in a week or so, check things out, and if I’m feeling any toxicity radiating from there, I’m going to be out again. It’s just not worth it.

A Day in the Life

12am: Feed Squeaks
1am: Fall asleep to an old episode of “CSI” on hulu+
2am: Wake up when JI crawls into our bed
3:45am: Wake up to feed Squeaks
5am: Back to sleep
7:55am: Wake up to get JI ready for school
8:20am: Bus is here!
wpid-collage_20150417104056590_20150417104254875.jpg8:21-11:30am: Doctors’ appointments, grocery shopping, eat breakfast, feed Squeaks, major projects, cuddle with Squeaks.

11:45-11:57am: Bus is here! JI arrives home from school.

12pm-2pm: Lunch for me and Squeaks. JI begins his plea for tablet time. When he gets it and for how long depend on whether he got green, yellow, or red behaviour at school that day. I will try to get him to go outside or do something constructive, but 9/10 he will end up vegging out and watching TV. JI is fairly worthless after school and I think it is because his brain and sensory processing center need to take a break to recharge.

2pm: Poke wakes up. I will debrief him on the events of the day, and hopefully get to take a nap.

4pm-7pm: Poke leaves for work and I’m back on parenting duty. Generally JI will play the tablet for a while, Squeaks will nap, and I will get my chores done. If it is nice, I’ll send JI outside to play. Our backyard is completely fenced in so I just check on him occasionally while I get my work done. If the weather is yucky, this is when I try to get crafts or activities done with JI. He’s not a fan of either, or of games/coloring/etc, so bad weather days can be really challenging. Sometimes I can’t stand the whining and he gets unlimited tablet time.

7-8:30pm: Dinner! I almost always let JI choose, for two reasons: 1) I want him to eat, and if I give him something he’s not tasting for, he won’t, and 2) I honestly don’t care what we have. It’s just the two of us so there’s nothing that’s too difficult to make for two people. Plus it gives him the power of choice and, depending on the dish, the ability to make his own dinner. He can make his own PB&J, get yogurt and fruit from the fridge, or use scissors to open fruit snacks and graham crackers.
After dinner it is brother bathtime, on every alternating day, unless someone is really filthy. JI and Squeaks both love to take baths! It is harder to get JI out than in; Squeaks doesn’t have a choice.wpid-collage_20150417103859324.jpg
Once bathtime is over, we watch a movie or a few episodes of a show on Netflix or Hulu+. JI has recently gotten into “Pocoyo” and I LOVE it! So much better than “Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas”,¬† which was the preferred movie from December 2014 to March 2015. Ugh. Usually during this time, I’ll feed Squeaks so that he’ll fall asleep before it is time for me to put JI down.

8:30pm: Bedtime for JI. We’ll read a couple stories, then it is lights out. I love this time of day because it is when JI is finally unwound. We have our special talks at this time, and I learn so much about him and what’s going on in his little mind. We cuddle, and he almost always falls asleep within moments of crawling into my arms.

9:15pm-12am: Aaaaah, mommy time. I will eat a special snack, catch up on TV and social media, and work on the blog and my Pampered Chef business. I actually don’t get a ton of work done during this time, because I have found that if I get my brain going this late at night, I can’t fall asleep.

12am: Feed Squeaks… and the cycle begins again!