And just like that, things were okay again.

The past two months since Squishy left me have been truly a learning experience. I learned that I am still strong, and I can make it through whatever life throws at me. It wasn’t easy by any means, and the scars still remain. But I have moved onto a better place, and I am comfortable.

I have started seeing a psychiatrist for help with PPD and life in general. She gave me a prescription to help me sleep, and I no longer need to self medicate with alcohol. I used to drink for fun, but it got to the point where I couldn’t sleep and had to be drunk to get even just four hours. I’m so glad that’s over.

I have finally made a connection with Little Hippie, now that he’s more of a child than a potato. I didn’t experience PPD with the other two boys, so it was very difficult to realize what was happening. Talking to friends who went through it, especially ones who specifically only went through it with their third child, was incredibly helpful. His dad sees him twice a week and every other weekend, and I am glad for that.

There were absolutely no plans in my head or my heart to start dating anytime soon. But I went out to dinner with a friend, someone I’ve known about two years, but had never hung out with. One night the ex’s girlfriend decided to text me from his phone and talk all kinds of shit. It was infuriating to the point where I actually vomited. At that moment, I wrote him off completely. There was no coming back from that incident. Because I was so angry, I needed to talk to someone on the phone to distract myself. I called my friend (let’s call him Hoss), and I told him what happened. He let me vent, and then proceeded to talk to me about everything under the sun otherwise. We were on the phone for four hours, and by the end of the conversation he had told me that he had been interested in me, but because I was attached, he never said anything. I was shocked.

The next night, he came over after work. It was wonderful. We watched a movie and cuddled up on the couch. I fit perfectly into his body, something I have never had before. From then on, we’ve been together. He stayed one weekend, and I joked that because he had a toothbrush here now, he must be my boyfriend. He agreed.

In the few weeks since that first dinner out, Hoss has treated me, and more importantly my two older boys, better than Squishy ever did, even at the beginning. Hoss seems to truly care, like lifelong care, not fairy tale romance care. He fixed my dehumidifier, and now maintains it of his own accord. He wants to cut my grass. He set up an antenna so I can get regular TV and watch Jeopardy! All these things that are the stuff of life that Squishy never did or couldn’t do or wouldn’t do. Hoss took me and the older boys fishing. He voluntarily had dinner in a real restaurant with them. Squishy wouldn’t even tolerate eating at McDonald’s with the kids! And you know what? They were SO GOOD with Hoss. He is patient. He is even keeled. He doesn’t yell at them or insult them. I never thought Squishy was that bad until I saw how good someone else could be. Hoss is already planning our holidays and birthdays. He changed my oil.

So, while I am surprised to be in a relationship so soon after tragedy struck, it is a good thing. It happened naturally, organically, without any pursuit or drama or whirlwind romance or whatever. That, I think, is what might make this be one of the best relationships I’ve ever had. I’m finally comfortable. It might sound cliche, but for once I actually believe that everything happens for a reason.

In the Thick of It

It’s been a long time since I posted, and I don’t even know exactly where to begin. The last I left you, I was concentrating on the Year of Me. Well, that has been nearly impossible to accomplish. Poke finally got a job, and now he refuses to take the boys on a regular basis. I have to haggle and negotiate with him every week. So yeah, he is giving me a little bit of child support, but he’s not seeing the kids. This continues to be a no-win situation for everyone except Poke. Typical.

I wish we could move forward with the divorce; unfortunately that is impossible right now thanks to the house having gone into foreclosure. Obviously my Go-Fund me didn’t work, Poke blew his 401k, and I don’t have $8k just lying around. For now we will just live for free until they force us out, but in the meantime we are going to try and file for bankruptcy to see if there is a way we can somehow save the house so that the boys and I don’t have to move and so I can keep my business. That means no divorce until after the bankruptcy is done.

As for the “doing things for myself”, I have been …meh… with that. I slacked off on my diet really badly, but I am trying to adhere via a different route. Instead of completely cutting out all meats, I am cutting out red meat and pork, and sticking to chicken and seafood. A low-purine diet allows for some chicken/seafood, so it’s not even really “breaking the rules”. It’s kind of weird actually, I used to never crave chicken or seafood, and now I do! I have completely lost my taste for beef and pork, except Phillys… I love Phillys… But I digress. Because I’ve been trying to stick to a mostly vegetarian diet, I have gotten back to more creative cooking. I juiced once. It was gross. I’m going to try again now that the weather is warmer and there is more fresh quality produce available. I have done some spiralizing, and actually got rid of 90% of my pasta. I want to do a low-carb thing, just because eating a lot of carbs makes me feel gross, but it’s hard to do on a low-purine diet because I’m supposed to eat 6-11 servings per day. Apparently carbs absorb uric acid, which is one of the goals of this diet. Ugh.

I tried getting into dating, and I still really want to date… Unfortunately it seems that the quality of man just isn’t there anymore. I’ve talked to probably a hundred guys, and I’ve had ONE date. They want sex only. They’re not interested in a girl with kids. They send unwanted dick pics. If I refuse to meet them RIGHT NOW for “a date” (aka sex), they call me names. They plan a date with me, and then never show or I never hear from them after we make a plan. I was talking to a guy for a couple months and I thought it was going somewhere, then he stopped talking to me and I found out he chose someone else over me. I was talking to another guy, he came over and hung out one night, then ghosted. A few weeks later he got ahold of me, apologized, and came over again. When he was leaving, he said “I’ll see you later tonight” and I’ve never heard from him again. The only guy who is consistent is that Marine I told you guys about, JK. At least I know what to expect (or not) from him. Friends have told me to try Match, because I was meeting all the winners on Plenty of Fish, but I don’t know. I feel like paying to meet someone online is the lowest of the low, and I just don’t think I’ve reached that level of pathetic yet.

When I was thinking I might be dating more often, I went ahead and updated my wardrobe a bit. I haven’t lost any weight, but I’m not trying, so that’s fine. I am comfortable with my body for the first time in a long time, and I think it’s because I joined a BBW group on Facebook. There are dudes in there who are legitimately attracted to chicks like me, and that’s amazing. All my life I’ve been taught that no man will be into a fat girl, but I guess it’s not actually true.

So, like the title says, I feel like I am really in the thick of it right now. Some horrible shit is behind me, and there is more horrible shit to come. I cry nearly every day. I had actually gotten back to drinking nearly every night, at least 3-4 nights a week, but as of this Sunday I am stopping that and going back to only drinking on the weekend. As great as the sleep was after a bottle of wine, the sleeping pills accomplish almost the same greatness with zero calories or health risks. I have tried so hard to remove all the negative from my life, including a current sabbatical from Facebook. I had to take a break from all the bullshit. I’ll go back on in a week or so, check things out, and if I’m feeling any toxicity radiating from there, I’m going to be out again. It’s just not worth it.

Jalapeno Popper Dip

A couple years ago, my mom gave me this really strange and complicated recipe for jalapeno popper dip. She picked it up while on vacation somewhere, and thought I would like it. Well it hung on my fridge for awhile, in fact it’s still there, until last week when I decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, though the recipe was clearly written, the steps were complicated and there was a high probability for failure. Anything that involves cooking mayo is a potentially disastrous endeavor! So I created my own using similar ingredients, and it came out perfectly!

Jalapeno Popper Dipwpid-collage_20151001095040028_20151001095451138.jpg

  • 8oz cream cheese
  • 1/2 cup mayo
  • diced pickled jalapenos to taste     (I used about 1/4 cup), drained
  • 1/3 cup panko breadcrumbs
  • 1/2 cup shredded cheddar

Combine cream cheese, mayo, and diced jalapenos. Microwave for ONE minute. Stir well.

Combine bread crumbs and panko, cover the cream cheese mixture completely. Microwave 2-4 minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly.

Serve with a michelada and heavy duty tortilla chips for dipping!

Bar Fight

I have barely posted this week, because I have been so busy and just completely out of sorts, and this weekend was cut short by a really fun stomach bug. So, I’m sorry that I have left you all hanging! I promised a post about the drama from karaoke, and then I just disappeared.

Warning: Adult Language

Okay, so here’s what happened on Sunday night that ruined about 90 minutes of the evening.

I had been talking to my bio mom that day, and told her we were going to karaoke and I would make a video to send her. Well, I had Poke take one, but I wasn’t sure of the quality and how I sang, so I wanted to take another just in case.wpid-collage_20150503204716461_20150503204810717.jpg Unfortunately, when it was my turn, Poke and Seanatello were out getting pizza and not around to take my video. There was a table with three women, a nice older black one, a manly looking young one, and a 75 yr former diva in a bad wig. I had had a bit of chit chat with the diva, so I asked her if she would take a video for my bio mom, as she had never heard me sing before. Apparently that was the wrong thing to ask, because this bitch went off on me.

Me: “Hi, my husband and friend are out getting pizza, and I wondered if you could take a video of me singing for my bio mom, because we just connected and she’s never heard me sing before.”

Diva: “You mean your real mom.”

Me: “No, I’m adopted, I mean my biological mother.”

Diva: “Your birth mother IS your real mother. She gave birth to you. Your adoptive mom is not your real mom.”

Me: “My adoptive mom is my real mom because she raised me. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Are you going to take this video or not?” {getting visibly irritated}

Manly Woman: “How much have you had to drink, honey? Are you sure you want her to see you like this?”

Me: “I am not drunk, and even if I was, I can still sing. It is my choice what I show her. Are any of you going to take this video?”

Diva: “Are you going to admit that your birth mother is your real mother?”

Me: “You know what, forget it. I’ll just skip my turn and wait for my husband to come back and do it.” {walks away}

Diva: “Honey, if you would just accept the truth, you’d feel better! Come back, I’ll take the video now!”

Me: “Fuck you and fuck your damn manly daughter!”

And I walked out, crying, and smoked a cigarette while furiously texting Seanatello and Poke to see where the hell they were in my time of crisis. They showed up a few minutes later, just as the Diva came outside to “apologize”. Really she was just trying to further justify her point of view, even though I specifically told her that it was not my point of view and that I didn’t honestly care what her p.o.v. was, I just thought it was fucking rude that she decided to give me a lecture on who my real mom is or is not when it is not even her business. I told my friends and Poke that we needed to leave. Unfortunately, I was yelling at her outside the bar, so the bartender was like “Dude, you can’t actually do that, you probably should leave.” That made me feel kind of embarrassed, but then he told me he was about to shut down anyway because if we were leaving, he had no reason to stay open, because those three women had only spent $6.00 total and didn’t even tip at all! So the five of us (me, Poke, Seanatello, the bartender, and the KJ) stood outside finishing the pizza, ate a few tacos from the taco truck, and then we left for another bar. Seanatello and the KJ were supposed to meet up with us there, but they decided to stay back at Seanatello’s place instead.

Anyway, we get to the next bar, and I’m so happy because a bunch of people I haven’t seen in forever are there and everyone is having a great time. Then I look across the bar, and who do I see? That damn Diva. Well, I decide to be the bigger person, and just completely ignore her. She tried to catch my eye, but I literally looked right past her. Then, about a wpid-20150427_014911_20150503205350010.jpghalf hour later, when I’m outside talking to my friends, and the KJ (a different one) comes out with the Diva. I don’t say a word, until I overhear my name and the words adoption and bio mom. I totally lost my shit on her, because she was making it her business to tell the KJ my business! What the hell?! I told her to keep my name and my situation out of her mouth, because, as I told her just a bit earlier, it was not her place to lecture me or anybody else. If she didn’t want to take the video, she could have politely declined and been on her merry way. But no, she had to make it a big deal to make me say that my bio mom is my real mom. Well fuck that.

She ended up leaving shortly thereafter, likely because nearly everyone at the bar is a friend or acquaintance of mine, and she couldn’t find anybody to cry to about how mean I was. But really? Whatever. I don’t even care. I could not believe the nerve of this woman, trying to tell me who is who and what I should feel like. I even tried to reason with her, and explain that it was a very sensitive situation, that it was all new and fresh and exciting for me, but she still persisted and would not listen to anything I had to say.

But I didn’t let it ruin my night! She can go take a long walk off a short pier. Hopefully her bad wig will keep her afloat.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

OMG you guys. I feel like I have been hit by a steamroller. I mean, for real.

wpid-20150428_183011.jpgSaturday we went to a pirate party at one of our local malls. It was freakin’ ridiculous. My best friend Lola and her daughter Lulu invited us, and we had gone last year and had fun. Well, this year, not so much. The best part of the outing was sitting in the food court eating lunch! JI actually ate almost all of his Chick-fil-a (grumble grumble), and I got to have some tasty, tasty Charley’s Philly and fries.

Then we headed over to the court outside of Sears, where people had already started congregating and going to each pirate station. Last year they had all the tables spread out, and it was not at all crowded. This year, they had all the tables in wpid-collage_20150429111007478.jpga very small area, and it was packed. For some reason, they also had the ramp roped off, so I was basically stuck outside the party area or inside it at the top of the steps. Wtf. So Lola tried to take the kids around to each table, because the point of the pirate party is to get a stamp on each island of your treasure map, and when you get all of them you earn a prize from the treasure chest. Well JI was starting to have a moment, because they sensory overload was at the tipping point. I was in panic mode myself, and had already started sweating, literally. Finally Lola and Lulu gave up, jacked a stamper, and well… let’s just say we earned our piece of candy! I should have known better than to take JI, given his recent downturn in coping skills, but I am just so in denial sometimes that I really think he can do normal things – and that I can do normal things – without freaking out. Damn.

Sunday, Poke was off, so I secretly arranged a babysitter for us so we could go out to dinner and karaoke. Of course we went to our favorite Mexican spot, Casa Hacienda, and started the nighwpid-20150422_165400.jpgt with awesome food and super strong margaritas. I also had a Paloma, which was basically tequila and sprite with a cherry in it, and Poke had a mojito. Noms. Then we came back home to charge our phones, because there was still an hour til karaoke started, and I had a beer while Poke took a nap. Being a parent is quite boring sometimes. We headed out to karaoke, where we met a couple of our friends and then there was drama, which I will be discussing in a different post, because it involves my recent connection with my bio mom. Seriously? Yes. For realzies.

Anyway, we had an excellent time (other than about an hour in the middle), ate some deliciously random pizza as well as authentic tacos from a truck, and actually hit up two different bars (because we had to leave the first one lol). I got to see my favorite bartender from years ago, whom I haven’t seen in probably two years, and reconnected with another friend that I haven’t seen in over a year. Being pregnant really puts a kink in your social lifewpid-20150423_071710.jpg when said social life revolves around bars and beers! On the way home, I blasted Usher and sang at the top of my lungs. It was a good time. Our babysitter told us she’d keep the boys overnight, so we actually got to sleep in until like 9:30am on Monday! Woah!

JI was off school Monday, so we all basically laid around the house not doing a damn thing all day. Poke had a dentist appointment, but that was it. We ate majorly unhealthy food, we drank too much Kool-Aid, JI played outside with his jammies and socks on. It was a fine day for everyone. Let me tell you though, I really really cannot throw down like I used to… ugh. I can’t believe that Poke and I used to go out and drink every single night! I mean what the heck?! How did I even make it through my twenties?!

Tuesday we had to stay up after JI went to school, to go to our couples’ counseling session. It was a good session. Afterwards I dropped Poke at home, and went grocery shopping. I also got my tooth fixed yesterday! Back when I was eleven years old, I got hit in the mouth with a full glass bottle of pop (I think it was pop… definitely was not beer?). Since then, for wpid-20150426_180943.jpg22 years, I’ve had a crack in my front tooth. It never bothered me, it never messed up my tooth in any way other than tada! a line down the center of my tooth. Well my dentist was like “Hey, how about we get rid of that crack?” so for $130, bam! New tooth! They sanded it down and filled it in and now it looks like a plain old tooth. I kinda miss the crack LOL I’ve had it for so long that it is weird to look at my tooth without it!

I’ve started on my outdoor chores, cutting the grass, cleaning up the garden beds, getting JI’s toys out and washed, and all that stuff. I love spring because I love being outside doing stuff. Don’t ask me to go on a hike, or a walk, or anything like that – boooooooring. I like to dig and plant and mow, I like to empty out the whole shed and reorganize it (my next project!), I like to rake and whack weeds. I really love to do chores!

And that, my friends, has been my super busy past four days. I still have a headache, because it won’t completely go away until November, and I am so incredibly tired. Between Squeaks being awake more often and JI’s weird sleeping schedule of late, I really don’t sleep – I just take a series of naps. Short naps. Oh well, thus is life as a parent!

And now for a video of me, singing: