In the Thick of It

Standard

It’s been a long time since I posted, and I don’t even know exactly where to begin. The last I left you, I was concentrating on the Year of Me. Well, that has been nearly impossible to accomplish. Poke finally got a job, and now he refuses to take the boys on a regular basis. I have to haggle and negotiate with him every week. So yeah, he is giving me a little bit of child support, but he’s not seeing the kids. This continues to be a no-win situation for everyone except Poke. Typical.

I wish we could move forward with the divorce; unfortunately that is impossible right now thanks to the house having gone into foreclosure. Obviously my Go-Fund me didn’t work, Poke blew his 401k, and I don’t have $8k just lying around. For now we will just live for free until they force us out, but in the meantime we are going to try and file for bankruptcy to see if there is a way we can somehow save the house so that the boys and I don’t have to move and so I can keep my business. That means no divorce until after the bankruptcy is done.

As for the “doing things for myself”, I have been …meh… with that. I slacked off on my diet really badly, but I am trying to adhere via a different route. Instead of completely cutting out all meats, I am cutting out red meat and pork, and sticking to chicken and seafood. A low-purine diet allows for some chicken/seafood, so it’s not even really “breaking the rules”. It’s kind of weird actually, I used to never crave chicken or seafood, and now I do! I have completely lost my taste for beef and pork, except Phillys… I love Phillys… But I digress. Because I’ve been trying to stick to a mostly vegetarian diet, I have gotten back to more creative cooking. I juiced once. It was gross. I’m going to try again now that the weather is warmer and there is more fresh quality produce available. I have done some spiralizing, and actually got rid of 90% of my pasta. I want to do a low-carb thing, just because eating a lot of carbs makes me feel gross, but it’s hard to do on a low-purine diet because I’m supposed to eat 6-11 servings per day. Apparently carbs absorb uric acid, which is one of the goals of this diet. Ugh.

I tried getting into dating, and I still really want to date… Unfortunately it seems that the quality of man just isn’t there anymore. I’ve talked to probably a hundred guys, and I’ve had ONE date. They want sex only. They’re not interested in a girl with kids. They send unwanted dick pics. If I refuse to meet them RIGHT NOW for “a date” (aka sex), they call me names. They plan a date with me, and then never show or I never hear from them after we make a plan. I was talking to a guy for a couple months and I thought it was going somewhere, then he stopped talking to me and I found out he chose someone else over me. I was talking to another guy, he came over and hung out one night, then ghosted. A few weeks later he got ahold of me, apologized, and came over again. When he was leaving, he said “I’ll see you later tonight” and I’ve never heard from him again. The only guy who is consistent is that Marine I told you guys about, JK. At least I know what to expect (or not) from him. Friends have told me to try Match, because I was meeting all the winners on Plenty of Fish, but I don’t know. I feel like paying to meet someone online is the lowest of the low, and I just don’t think I’ve reached that level of pathetic yet.

When I was thinking I might be dating more often, I went ahead and updated my wardrobe a bit. I haven’t lost any weight, but I’m not trying, so that’s fine. I am comfortable with my body for the first time in a long time, and I think it’s because I joined a BBW group on Facebook. There are dudes in there who are legitimately attracted to chicks like me, and that’s amazing. All my life I’ve been taught that no man will be into a fat girl, but I guess it’s not actually true.

So, like the title says, I feel like I am really in the thick of it right now. Some horrible shit is behind me, and there is more horrible shit to come. I cry nearly every day. I had actually gotten back to drinking nearly every night, at least 3-4 nights a week, but as of this Sunday I am stopping that and going back to only drinking on the weekend. As great as the sleep was after a bottle of wine, the sleeping pills accomplish almost the same greatness with zero calories or health risks. I have tried so hard to remove all the negative from my life, including a current sabbatical from Facebook. I had to take a break from all the bullshit. I’ll go back on in a week or so, check things out, and if I’m feeling any toxicity radiating from there, I’m going to be out again. It’s just not worth it.

Advertisements

Cave

Standard

I have decided to temporarily remove myself from society. Life has gotten to be far too stressful and hurtful, and I have not-so-suddenly found myself surrounded by far too many toxic people and situations. This is not to say that everyone in my life is bad for me; quite the contrary. I have a lot of good friends who help me through the day on a regular basis. The problem is just that though – my friends constantly have to help me through the day. I need to get my life to the point where I don’t need help just to be alive, where I don’t need reassurance just to exist. Let me make it perfectly clear, too, that I’m not suicidal. I want to live, I just don’t want to live like this.

I’ve already gone off Facebook, so if you follow my page, don’t worry, I’ll be back shortly. I hardly use Twitter, so that’s basically going to stay the same. I think that by focusing on myself and the boys, I’ll be able to actually work on this blog more, update my Instagram, which makes me happy because I love sharing, spend more time on Pinterest, which is really relaxing and inspiring for me, and hopefully be able to “get back to me” or whatever the cliche is. I just know that after the deaths of two of my good friends, a huge ridiculous argument with two people I thought knew me better than to have said argument, and the continuing harassment from my former daycare client, I had to go. It was all getting to be too much. I dreaded the phone ringing, I feared opening emails and private messages on Facebook, I even winced when I would get more than one text in a row. I was afraid to live my own life because I didn’t want to feel the next hurtful thing that someone would say or do to me. I can’t exist like that. I just cannot.

You may say, “Well, Kel-Bell, you’re still online, you’re still going out in public, you’re still posting, how are you removed from society?” I will answer this: I get to control those things. On Pinterest and Instagram, I get to choose what I look at and what people see much easier than on Facebook and in “real life”. When I go out in public, which I have done once since making this decision, I don’t look at anyone, I don’t seek out contact, I go do what I have to do and be done with it. Being off Facebook eliminates 90% of the problem, because even though I share all my business on there, and I do so knowing that I leave myself open to criticism and rejection and all kinds of negativity, I usually don’t get anything negative from my friends – it all comes from other places. For example, my former daycare client has taken to messaging all the people who left reviews on my business page, and she reported me to Facebook for a plethora of untrue things, making the simple act of logging in a five minute process. In order to connect with my friends, I have to read their personal stories and dramas, which is not a problem, except for when I can’t even handle my own. Leaving Facebook gives me space in my head to not think about things, and right now that’s exactly what I need.

I wish I could go live in a cave for a month. I wouldn’t even take the boys; I’d let them keep living life normally. I need to be secluded in a dark, quiet place, somewhere I can rest and recharge, so that I can be for once the good mother and friend I am supposed to be.

Two Months Later

Standard

It’s been about two months as a single mother now, and things are still going well with the boys and me. I’m getting more kids to watch (my “real job” is in-home daycare provider, which I never really talk about, because it doesn’t have much to do with anything), Poke is actually paying me his weekly “child support”, and JI’s behaviour is better than ever.

Seanatello moved in just after Poke moved out, and was set up to pay rent and some bills and such. One morning, I woke up, and he was gone. He left everything; his clothes, his blood pressure meds, even his beloved dog. Our friends and I thought he was going to commit suicide, because he also deleted and blocked all of us from Facebook. It wasn’t until a non-mutual friend checked out his profile that we discovered he’d somehow made it out west, and was clearly alive and doing fine. He’d been in love with this girl who lives out there, and because his life had been taking a steady downward turn, we figure he decided to pawn his only possession worth money, his PS4, and bought a one way ticket to the girl. That definitely threw me for a loop because there was absolutely no warning. One day we’re talking plans for the future, the next he’s disappeared. Oh well. Another one bites the dust.

JI has started school, and it’s going very well so far. Squeaks has two teeth out, and one is about to pop through. They are both growing like weeds! Squeaks even tried to stand up on his own the other day! Hopefully, now that things are getting back into a routine, I will be able to get back into my own routine and start getting back to posting the usual stuff like crafts and recipes, and all that. Also, there will be an upcoming post about my Bio Mom coming to visit! That was awesome. Stay tuned!

PS- You may or may not have noticed a person called “Betty” who left some very rude comments on my last post, as well as my colorful replies to her rudeness. I don’t generally make it a habit to bitch at my readers, but I really REALLY hate being judged, especially by someone who doesn’t know the whole story. And, though I know I open myself up to criticism and the like by putting my personal life on the internet for everyone to see, I’m pretty certain this girl isn’t an actual stranger. The way she talked made it seem like she knows Poke, and I’d venture to say that it’s actually his current girlfriend.

Update on Life

Standard

I have been away for quite some time now, because there has been a lot going on. I was originally going to write a post about living with mental illness and mentally ill family members, but I didn’t get a chance to before the literal shit hit the fan.

Since November, Poke has been actively suicidal. It has truly taken its toll on our family. He has been hospitalized, in the ICU, and gone through several different mental health providers. Unfortunately, his attempts to get his mental health under control were too little too late, and our family and marriage were badly damaged.

There were times when I was terrified to leave him alone with the children, times when I had to banish him to the basement to “live” for a week because I could not bear to have him around them, times when I literally dropped him off at the crisis center and called his mom to deal with him afterwards. His behaviour was completely out of control, and I was afraid for myself and the kids. He is by no means abusive, however, he would have these episodes monthly, then semi monthly, then weekly until it was like living in a mine field and I didn’t know what would happen from day to day. He never laid a hand on any of us, but he became aggressive and violent and just so angry that I didn’t want to take the chance that he would someday become physical.

We have been in marriage counseling for almost two years, and it seemed to be working for our relationship, until one day it was blatantly obvious that it wasn’t working. I got to the point where I could not stand to be around him, I could not stand to look at him, talk to him, touch him, kiss him, etc. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. So, after his last outburst when he threw a tantrum at the local dog shelter and embarrassed JI and me in front of all the other customers, I decided a change had to be made. Little did I know that he was going to make it super easy for me by randomly quitting his job when he walked out of work and never went back. He had been talking about feeling burnt out and no longer enjoying his work, but I told him that he absolutely had to keep his job to support the family. I told him that if he quit before finding a new one, that would be it, and we would be done for. Apparently that didn’t matter to him at all because he went ahead and walked out. I told him to go to his mom’s house, and that was that.

We separated officially on July 27th, with an agreement on how and who would pay the bills. The separation is supposed to be a trial for three months. I am hoping that in these three months he will take the time to get himself mentally healthy and happy, however, if he chooses not to then it’s obvious what his real decision is. I believe he came into fatherhood and marriage with the best of intentions but perhaps these things really are not meant for him, and if that’s the case then I’d rather have him out than in, rather have a happy family on the weekends only rather than a miserable one 24/7.

He’s been gone a month now, and I have not been this happy in years. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, like I no longer have to watch what I say in my own home, like I am an actual human being. JI’s behaviour has improved twenty fold. At our last counseling session, Poke says “I’m glad you’re having such a great time”, to which I replied, “We’re not having a great time. We’re doing life the way it should be done – with love and happiness.”

Stuck in the Middle

Standard

This post is post is about my adoptive mom vs me and my bio mom, a situation that I am really not too happy to be in right now.

We are having Squeaks baptized at the end of June, and I wanted to invite my bio family because, well, they’re family. I figured my mom would have an issue if I just did it without consulting her first, so I texted her and I said, “Would you be uncomfortable if I invited my bio family?” From that point on, all hope was lost.

She berated me for asking, saying that I never care about her feelings, that having them there is completely inappropriate, that they’re not family and it is nobody’s business that they are in my life. She lambasted me for saying that Texas is a better brother than Scrod (my adopted brother that I grew up with), even though I never said such a thing in person or online. What I did say was that Texas already did more for me on Mother’s Day by wishing me a happy one and saying he loved me than Scrod has done in a while (I didn’t get a Christmas gift or birthday gift or a call or even a card from the kid!). She said that bio mom is making me feel guilty for her giving me up, which is absolutely ridiculous because 1) I don’t feel guilty 2) How could I feel guilty, because I was a baby and 3) Bio mom has been super great about saying that if I need my space she will give me my space, and we have been trying to not overwhelm each other.

After that she launched into how I am a horrible wife, because I can’t get my husband under control (with his depression and mental health issues). I am not a good mother because my son is suffering and confused by everything that is going on (even though she didn’t even believe me that he had any disabilities until about six months ago), and because Poke and I allegedly fight constantly in front of the boys. Sure, JI has seen us fight, but we are definitely not fighting “constantly” because Poke is only here and awake for less than 20 hours a week! We literally don’t even have the time to fight, let alone do it in front of the kids. That’s why we go to counseling!

This afternoon, I received a letter from my mom (in the mail! Even though she came to my house today!) outlining all the ways I’ve made life as an adoptive mother difficult for her, and in the end she said that I am never again to speak to her about the situation. Maybe she was trying to be agreeable, but all the underhanded comments lead me to believe otherwise. I can understand that she may be confused, worried, upset, etc. by this new journey in my life, but I am in no way rubbing it in her face (what there is to rub, exactly, is beyond me) or intentionally making her feel bad. I haven’t even shared everything with her, because I know that some things would hurt her. But because I am a horrible daughter who cares not for her mother’s feelings, I keep some things to myself.

It really sucks that I cannot share my happiness with my mother. She’s seen me struggle with anxiety and some depression my entire life, and one would think that seeing her daughter so happy would be something that makes her happy. Instead she’s making it all about her, and really not looking at it from my point of view. So, I guess from now on I’ll just have to have two separate families. I’m like a kid in an 80s Christmas movie who desperately wants her parents to get along and get together and has attempted all kinds of crazy antics to make it happen. But, in the end, the parents will not get together and life will go on with the new normal.